 After several years of not dreaming, or perhaps, not remembering my dreams, my dreams have come back, full blast, weirdness, lucid dreaming, and intense. It would only be appropriate for me to say that the first dream I remembered and the full intensity of coming back was that of an ex and him choosing another woman over, essentially having an affair. Now the typical narcissist, or perhaps, skeptic might say I was in my head too much. But in all reality, I knew from the moment his affair started, I felt it in my soul, and he was 1,600 miles away. The way his face dropped when I informed him of my dream should have been enough validation aside from the nagging feelings I was experiencing the last several weeks, but like a sucker out for self-sabotage, I convinced myself I was triggered from a previous relationship, with the same omens and signs, and tried to make things work. Such odd, confusing feelings, the way I have always known things. The way I am connected, I have repeatedly shoved my emotions and psychic intuition into the ground, fucking myself up even further in the process, until finally, this year, at the ripe ol’ age of 43, I refused to not not listen. I serve a spiritual side, never dedicating myself to a religion, or one God or Goddess. I am a Gemini Moon conjunct Jupiter, so in all reality for me, it is not within my nature to be loyal to one, but loyal to all and hold a place for all deities with serving others, and myself, for the highest good. The way messages come through change in accordance to the moment, and my ability to shapeshift is as much as of a gift as it is a curse, at times, opening my whole inner core to all avenues and seeing all sides. The one element that steers me true is listening to that higher power, that higher intuition and emotion, and it is in experience that I have had to learn how to be loyal to that inner voice, no matter what was being said on the outside, or by my indoctrinated, trying- to- be practical mind. Simply put, my wires, my feelings and my heart, are the only practical way to go, and the lessons this year in standing strong and holding the line have hit me like a tsunami, strengthening my resolve, building my power, even in letting it slip for a bit, only to take that damn power back and be an even stronger woman, a stronger force, than before. If the beginning of those dreams was not enough, I decided to entangle myself in another relationship a few months later, with a younger man who was completely, emotionally unavailable. I asked to feel to pain, apparently, this is how the Universe needed to give me what I asked for and show me that I just needed to suck it up and listen to my Goddamn feelings. I mean, who the hell wakes up with a loud voice in their head, knows that someone is home when they said they were working, and heads on over to drive by their house, with full proof right there. Like a goddamn crazy woman, and something that had even been thought of in years, in a relationship that broke me into pieces with years, and I mean years, of building back enough to even be open to romantically intense love. How not listening to feelings, and the signs out there, can so change a person into the crazy, shadow side that was once, and only once, felt in the moment of complete denial. Luckily, because of the pain of still dealing with the long-distance relationship, and the off feelings from the few weeks after of “dating” the new guy, I was not head over heels in love. I mean, I was trying hard as hell to communicate and be the slow-moving, accommodating girlfriend, but there was very little give and reciprocation from the other side that just began to shut shit down pretty quick. And the most important aspects of what is important to me in a relationship and the desire to be in a relationship that happened to literally be right around the corner, sucked my soul out for a minute, as I gave my energy, and my power to someone who had no appreciation for it. Two different breeds of people of for sure. The dreams, the astral projections, the lucid dreams, became more frequent and intense as I spent the last four months losing my dance, my enthusiasm for life. The conversations with the other side became more desperate. And oh, how the Universe coddled me, the downy feathers always in my path, the signs of true love still to come. There were the hearts everywhere, the cardinals, the doves, bringing home a candle with the wrong zodiac sign, when I meant to buy the zodiac sign for the boyfriend at the time, and the roses, oh the two white roses washing up on the beach the night I walked the shore, crying in my confusion and emptiness, lying on the sand to let the little ocean fairies have their way, sucking all my sadness while I rejuvenated my body with their power. If you want the science part of, I filled my soul and body with the negative ions, but, I prefer the company of animals, birds, and fairies and will hold the science aspect to it just for that fucking validation. So back to the full force of dreams, the last few weeks, the intensity, not knowing if I was dreaming or in real life. Asking in the dreams if this was a dream or real life, and then the dream last night. Holy shit, in my analytical mind, trying to figure out what all of this means? How I will direct my life from these messages keeps me pretty damn occupied. I was on a bridge, and we, other people were around, which I can not remember who, except for one, a former client. But we were jumping off the bridge into the water. I had jumped a few times, but then for some odd reason, I could not jump off the bridge, but I had to get to the water. I had to get in the water and swim. I walked and traveled, and came to a restaurant, and old, antique white restaurant, with booths, and I talked with some people. I don’t know who. But I told them I had to find a way to the water. And then I did. I found the water and found my tail. I merged with the water, a river, a calm river, a muddy brown river that brought boats into feed the people in that restaurant. And I swam. I swam, diving slowly underneath the water, letting the water cover my entire body. And then I woke up. The intensity of having to get into the water is what holds my mind most captive at this moment. A time when two weeks past the New Moon and my decision to purge the boyfriend of no reciprocation, to purge the boyfriend before and take my damn power back so fiercely, using this amazing Scorpionic energy, which happens to be my 7th house, the house of relationships, and a New Moon that was conjunct my natal Uranus, squaring Saturn, as Saturn squares Uranus now, who also just happens to be opposite my natal Uranus. Uranus, the planet of awakening, shaking me fiercely in this crazy ass journey. Uranus and his energy of my catalytic, intense need for freedom and sexuality that also necessitates me being exactly who I was meant to be and not hide who I am. To stand strong, in my values, in my pain, in the messages that I am meant to bring to whoever happens to cross my path, and the messages I am meant to listen too. It is only in appreciating my dreams, and the clear channels of messages that stream through, that I listen and take all of these for what they are worth. There are times when it is only through the loss of something that we can fully appreciate how we functioned, how we felt, when the gifts were listened too, and used. I believe that my dreams, and the other gifts that have returned in full force, are back because of the mad relevance they have in my life, and finally, understanding how this is HOW I FUNCTION. These are my gifts in life to be used for their highest good, no matter who says what otherwise, and I am ready to dive into those emotions, feel them for what they are, and take that power, and yes, power, to manifest the life that I choose to co-create in these crazy times. What are your gifts? What have you denied or not listened to fully as your Soul has pushed you into the direction and light that you are meant to shine through with? Where is it that you need validation for those emotions and thoughts? Astrology consults are an awesome tool that can help guide and validate those gifts you have had since incarnating. 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 “After a crisis one should seek to realign the renewed consciousness with the primordial Revelation of the Truth of Man.” Sabian Symbol Meaning, Virgo at 29°. The day after the Scorpio New Moon, I was running around town, errands amuck, my goal to purge and release as much shit as possible. Things I had been procrastinating, power I had so willingly give away, again, and pondering all those actions and reactions of the last several months. The theme of Saturn square Uranus making itself extremely apparent in my life since the day it peaked on February 17th. It is a day I will never forget. This year is a fucking doozy to be quite honest. I have been climbing the mountains and winning for the last 12 years, tragedy not escaping my life, but my reactions, my perception, and the detachment has kept me trudging along steadily. A Virgo Rising Solar Return Year, at 29°, I might add, along with my IC/MC also at 29°, weaving together Chiron hanging out on my Venus, Mercury, South Node, and Eros stellium in the 12th house, Chiron sextile Saturn, a Saturn opposition, Jupiter opposing my natal Saturn, Pluto opposing my natal Mars Neptune conjunct my Sun, but squaring my natal Neptune, a progressed Moon at 29° Capricorn in the 7th house, this month, and the biggest chunk in my mind and one aspect that has me set on the edge of anger, rebellion, and forcing my way into this world with a rebelliousness I have not felt in years, is this fucking Uranus opposition. “The creative exuberance of the human soul in response to basic life experiences.” Sabian Symbol meaning Gemini at 29° If you have nothing do to with astrology you might be saying, “What the fuck are you talking about?” And I assure you, if you are astrology bound and, on this path, you are more than likely saying, “Holy shit, what a year, actually, what a few years. But Baby, you have got this shit.” There is a deep understanding when feeling and knowing what the planets and points are bringing into your life. Why do you think so many counselors or psychotherapists have begun learning or use their astro craft with clients? On my path, astrology has been about learning how to maneuver the energy so that I can utilize the energy in the most positive manner and increase my manifestation skills along with increasing my self-awareness skills and how they have been expressed unconsciously versus consciously. The learning never ends, and the expressions of these energies never fails to surprise me. In the idea of my Solar Return, and the minor details explained above, my profected year is an 8th house year, screaming transformation. On the forefront, in the summer of 2018, I dreamt of those damn giant pythons at my house and the giant ass python skin in my bed, I knew transformation was on its way, but I never dared dream it would be bigger and more emotional than the transformation I had experienced beginning in 2010, perhaps even beginning sooner, 2008, when I met the one who would catalyze the lessons necessary for that time. That was a three-year process, a process that I finally stepped into knowing that I was meant to be here. That I had a purpose on this beautiful Earth. I had learned to shift my thoughts, my perception, and life grew so beautifully, even in the realm of disaster that I had so easily let myself be taken down. I underestimated my strength, gave away my power way too often, still an ingrained habit that I am continually working with. But this bitch can kick some ass and come up standing bloody and raw for even more. That is where I am at in this journey. I threw myself out there this year, giving away power to people who very well did not deserve it. People I was so willing to give my love too, because after all, that is who I am. I am full of love, full of energy, and I often confuse the pain of others and my ability to try and help them, even in the adverse side effects of them destroying me. This includes family and lovers, and at the bottom of the line, my willingness to not love me and offer myself sacrifice is the biggest fault of all. Hanging onto something, like a fish, playing with the dangling bait, all when I am a “go home or go big,” kind of chic. Here we have the ultimate influence of Venus in the 12th house trine Neptune in the 8th, who happens to oppose my Moon conjunct Jupiter in the 2nd. A never-ending dive into Faith and self-worth as I tap into the energy that is not mine. The constant work of loving potential of a person, and not the reality. In this mess of a journey though, there is the certainty, the phrase ringing in my mind as I ponder the love of the me and the love of my life, the undying Faith, that for sure, nothing, at this point, is better than something. This year has forced me to surrender. To surrender in ways, I never thought I would surrender again. The fear of crying for six months straight so much greater than the tears that have fallen. Anticipation, always so much stronger, if we prop it up there in our mind, our heart, the very core of our body that reacts to each of these qualities. There has been several moments of tears, not for long, but days of feeling like I want to cry, but more, just fucking angry. Just DAMN!! Moments where I can just envision rolling myself in the mud, burying myself, my pain, the need to physically exert all these feelings into physical form. The struggle so real and in my body when I am a person so familiar with not being in my body, but in my mind, and letting other’s bodies and emotions have their place in this vessel of passage. There have been many long walks, many laps in the pool, and still, this restless issue of all this planetary energy, all the crazy ass issues presenting all at once, proving “as above so below.” The year of surrender equals a year of goop, of fucking mush, the purpose of life perhaps, swimming around slowly, or perhaps, the purpose of this life, is just patiently waiting for me to swim around the mush and pull up the gifts buried, wiping clean the treasure for all to see. Jupiter and his never-ending faith pushes me forward. The knowledge of the past, the recalibration, the reevaluation, the knowing that the only change that will happen will come from that which is inside. The signs and omens all around me, reminding, caressing, and holding me close in the moments most needed. Faith inspires me to hold the line and pull the notion that something is not always better than nothing, discernment shouting loud and clear. Tears escape, one by one, two or three Threatening to wipe out my very existence Existence of resistance that I have kept in touch for so long Through death, though heart breaks a plenty Two or three more in their escape My fortitude buckling underneath Waves of lava lulling beneath So grateful of all the lessons learned And the near-death times two that ensured My purpose on this God given Earth Yet chaos abounds this last year as a bigger, fused purpose arises This trust-so deep, my Faith-so deep But so damn lost, so damn numb on the surface My heart aches, aches so deep I can feel the squeeze from my heart to my toes Wrapping around my core, up and down, an on repeat No booze, no pot, nothing to bury it deep Faith in knowing that I must face this pain Embrace it, hold it close, so I can let it fly free To a place that will serve me Watching, feeling, this slippery slope, my heels dug in strong Rectifying all past mistakes Boundaries in place where there was so much wrong Yes-hello to taking back any power as I am awake No denial in that which I so willingly gave Or that so much of me can break Resolve in building, repairing, regaining strength That pushes me on, through and through An endless energy, the infinite Source As this phoenix rises, hugging my heart, Hugging my soul Consoling and soothing in all that I need I embrace, I surrender  The freedom, the breath, the ahhhhhhhh…..Nonnegotiable Goddess Time has evolved so abundantly in the last two months. The comfort within myself to dance, dance to the music I was listening to while walking, dance to the music in my head. Life has been driven by my own fear of those who might be judging me and I would be insane and not telling you the truth if I said I don’t give a fuck.
I had to dive deep as my body listened and felt the music take control of my body as I walked in the Florida Sun. So alive. I breathed deep, inhaling, exhaling just as deeply, my body in constant motion, even as cars drove by. I thought of how beautiful life is, and how I might be perceived dancing down the street, the only feelings I felt in the moment were happiness, joy, peace, and the high that came with that combination. Dancing, each step intentional as I danced on my journey that afternoon. In my fairy flighty ways, the underlying existential crisis of life is always sitting right there. The guarantee of this beautiful cycle is always death. We can not escape it. And on the other end of reality, there are those who were born without legs, lost their legs due to trauma, lost their ability to be happy and be able to dance, to walk. So I danced. I danced with ALL the care in the world. For those who missed their legs, for those who just simply wished they could dance. I raised my head up to the Sun and felt him shine his rays hot on my body, the wind wisping his Aquarian energy into my ears, into my breath, into my soul. I was enjoying the gifts, the privileges, that most of us take for granted, myself included, quite often. What is your dance? When do you feel most in your body? Mars inTaurus, brings our sensual senses alive, our feelings we, and our motivation to build. Mars is encapsulated in earthy Venusian energy, moving with a fierce stamina and persistence as he moves through her territory, persistently wanting her touch, luxuriating in her sensual and lavish love. His energy is much slower than his native Arian energy, and not so hot. Mars in Taurus is thoughtful, less impulsive than Mars in Aries. He wants to relish in the experience, keep the pleasure going as long as, and as easy as, possible. Where you feel this energy, the theme of this Martian energy can be found in your natal chart and pinned down even more in the charts that are specific to your evolution, your solar return, and your lunar return. For instance, no surprise that Mars traveling through first house, not only applying to my natal Chiron, but also to Uranus in Taurus, and then opposite of my Natal Taurus, woo hoo, I can expect some major shake-ups, good or bad, through the way I project myself or am perceived by others. And because I have a Splash pattern, my second, third, fourth, sixth, seventh, eight, night, eleventh, and twelfth house will all be affected. Nothing like a little life change 😉. This theme of transformation and shake-ups is reiterated in my solar return for the upcoming year of 2021, especially through relationships and the Solar Return Moon in the 8th house, a 7th house Solar Return Sun with a stellium for the second year in a row, and Progressed Moon in 7th house. It will be a year of culmination, as my angular houses landed their ecliptic points at 29 degrees in mutable signs, as a quick overlook and example. In this month’s lunar return chart, Mars and Uranus’ dance will be felt more specifically in my 11th house, a house of hopes and wishes, a place where I focus on becoming greater for the collective, on the collective consciousness of our worlds. Relationships being emphasized with the trine from Uranus to the Capricorn stellium. Nothing like repeated patterns to observe and follow the guidance provided, my intuition validated on numerous levels. Are you on the path of transformation? Are you looking for guidance and validation to that Lovely Soul of yours calling you to your true self? Astro and Card Readings are available. |
