When Something is Not Better Than Nothing

“After a crisis one should seek to realign the renewed consciousness with the primordial Revelation of the Truth of Man.” Sabian Symbol Meaning, Virgo at 29°.
    ......Sabian Symbols, Straight Woo

The day after the Scorpio New Moon, I was running around town, errands amuck, my goal to purge and release as much shit as possible. Things I had been procrastinating, power I had so willingly give away, again, and pondering all those actions and reactions of the last several months. The theme of Saturn square Uranus making itself extremely apparent in my life since the day it peaked on February 17th. It is a day I will never forget. 

This year is a fucking doozy to be quite honest. I have been climbing the mountains and winning for the last 12 years, tragedy not escaping my life, but my reactions, my perception, and the detachment has kept me trudging along steadily. A Virgo Rising Solar Return Year, at 29°, I might add, along with my IC/MC also at 29°, weaving together Chiron hanging out on my Venus, Mercury, South Node, and Eros stellium in the 12th house, Chiron sextile Saturn, a Saturn opposition, Jupiter opposing my natal Saturn, Pluto opposing my natal Mars Neptune conjunct my Sun, but squaring my natal Neptune, a progressed Moon at 29° Capricorn in the 7th house, this month,  and the biggest chunk in my mind and one aspect that has me set on the edge of anger, rebellion, and forcing my way into this world with a rebelliousness I have not felt in years, is this fucking Uranus opposition.

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“The creative exuberance of the human soul in response to basic life experiences.” Sabian Symbol meaning Gemini at 29°
…. Sabian Symbols..Straight Woo

If you have nothing do to with astrology you might be saying, “What the fuck are you talking about?” And I assure you, if you are astrology bound and, on this path, you are more than likely saying, “Holy shit, what a year, actually, what a few years. But Baby, you have got this shit.”  There is a deep understanding when feeling and knowing what the planets and points are bringing into your life. Why do you think so many counselors or psychotherapists have begun learning or use their astro craft with clients?

On my path, astrology has been about learning how to maneuver the energy so that I can utilize the energy in the most positive manner and increase my manifestation skills along with increasing my self-awareness skills and how they have been expressed unconsciously versus consciously. The learning never ends, and the expressions of these energies never fails to surprise me.

In the idea of my Solar Return, and the minor details explained above, my profected year is an 8th house year, screaming transformation. On the forefront, in the summer of 2018, I dreamt of those damn giant pythons at my house and the giant ass python skin in my bed, I knew transformation was on its way, but I never dared dream it would be bigger and more emotional than the transformation I had experienced beginning in 2010, perhaps even beginning sooner, 2008, when I met the one who would catalyze the lessons necessary for that time.

That was a three-year process, a process that I finally stepped into knowing that I was meant to be here. That I had a purpose on this beautiful Earth. I had learned to shift my thoughts, my perception, and life grew so beautifully, even in the realm of disaster that I had so easily let myself be taken down. I underestimated my strength, gave away my power way too often, still an ingrained habit that I am continually working with.

But this bitch can kick some ass and come up standing bloody and raw for even more. That is where I am at in this journey. I threw myself out there this year, giving away power to people who very well did not deserve it. People I was so willing to give my love too, because after all, that is who I am. I am full of love, full of energy, and I often confuse the pain of others and my ability to try and help them, even in the adverse side effects of them destroying me. This includes family and lovers, and at the bottom of the line, my willingness to not love me and offer myself sacrifice is the biggest fault of all. Hanging onto something, like a fish, playing with the dangling bait, all when I am a “go home or go big,” kind of chic.

Here we have the ultimate influence of Venus in the 12th house trine Neptune in the 8th, who happens to oppose my Moon conjunct Jupiter in the 2nd. A never-ending dive into Faith and self-worth as I tap into the energy that is not mine. The constant work of loving potential of a person, and not the reality. In this mess of a journey though, there is the certainty, the phrase ringing in my mind as I ponder the love of the me and the love of my life, the undying Faith, that for sure, nothing, at this point, is better than something.

This year has forced me to surrender. To surrender in ways, I never thought I would surrender again. The fear of crying for six months straight so much greater than the tears that have fallen. Anticipation, always so much stronger, if we prop it up there in our mind, our heart, the very core of our body that reacts to each of these qualities. There has been several moments of tears, not for long, but days of feeling like I want to cry, but more, just fucking angry. Just DAMN!! Moments where I can just envision rolling myself in the mud, burying myself, my pain, the need to physically exert all these feelings into physical form. The struggle so real and in my body when I am a person so familiar with not being in my body, but in my mind, and letting other’s bodies and emotions have their place in this vessel of passage.

There have been many long walks, many laps in the pool, and still, this restless issue of all this planetary energy, all the crazy ass issues presenting all at once, proving “as above so below.” The year of surrender equals a year of goop, of fucking mush, the purpose of life perhaps, swimming around slowly, or perhaps, the purpose of this life, is just patiently waiting for me to swim around the mush and pull up the gifts buried, wiping clean the treasure for all to see.
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Jupiter and his never-ending faith pushes me forward. The knowledge of the past, the recalibration, the reevaluation, the knowing that the only change that will happen will come from that which is inside. The signs and omens all around me, reminding, caressing, and holding me close in the moments most needed. Faith inspires me to hold the line and pull the notion that something is not always better than nothing, discernment shouting loud and clear.