These Moments

It’s an Aquarius Rising Moment here, a powerful gang of planets hanging out in the 12th house of Capricorn/Aquarius (Placidus House System) and Neptune hanging on the cusp of the 2nd and 3rd house. Aries is at 29 degrees, half a degree from entering Taurus, a nice lift of that Arian energy in my 12th house moving on into my first. I am fucking excited as hell! Ready to jump up and down! Hopping and skipping, (a freeing hobby of mine revisited from childhood), even with Mars applying to Uranus! The chart for the moment as I sit down to fulfill my destiny is perfectly perfect. This is transformation, enjoying the process of transformation and its total awareness. 

I am in the very beginning steps of transitioning into this lovely career that I have visualized for years. It is a whole different process, a whole different way of thinking. The alchemy of fusion, holding my power, my strength, and my confidence in my natural ability to alchemize that which I set my mind too. So many new feelings, yet so familiar.

I imagine that my whole life has been one large play of transformation, how can it not be? I mean biologically we are shedding our red blood cells every 120 days, on a cellular scale, not to mention how our hormones are in a constant fluctuation to create homeostasis in our body. But there are certain transformations that are forever memorable, lessons we learned, whether good or bad, and our state of perception, the biggest component of that. It is an everyday, every minute decision to decide whether or not you are a victim in life. 

The idea of, the perception of, refusing to be a victim, has been the most mammoth transformation yet. This epiphany, ironically enough, came in the midst of victimhood. The years of 2008 through 2011 held the events of the death of my aunt, who was only 39; a toxic relationship full of abandonment, betrayal, dishonestly, infidelity,  and neglect, along with some Dean R. Koontz style drama;  a miraculous birth,  (and yes, I mean miraculous….as in two forms of birth control on my part), a second nasty custody battle while pregnant, a third nasty custody battle, same father, 8 months later, postpartum depression, a nursing career that changed from private office to corporation and the realization that I did not fit in a corporate box or that this corporate box was actually good patient care, which resulted in the end of my active nursing career in 2011. The man who I consider to be my “Dad” of Medicine, dealing with his own fight for life that started in 2009 and he transitioned from his place here on Earth in 2016. There was the inability to find a full time job until 2013 and the financial downfall that created. My girls and I moved  three times in three years, the last place on that list, a house in foreclosure. And to top it off,  two near death experiences not even a year apart, one in June of 2010, and the next on April 26, 2011. These few years were jam packed with the perfect invitation into victimhood, but also the most perfect opportunity for me to stand up and be warrior. 

Just a wee bit crazy, overwhelmed and in a huge battle with Faith. It  wasn’t until 2011, after I had my second Near Death experience, that I realized how much power, how much control we actually have, and that we are never, ever alone. I saw the light, “I know, here we go...right..?” But I did. I was standing in the loudest silence of a tornado, a beige tattered skirt, gypsy style, my tight purple Betty Boop T-shirt on, staring at the light ahead, before I was woken up.

Shit really started to happen after this. Numbers, on the clock, on receipts, on license plates, animals everywhere, especially birds, electrical items not working or exploding in my presence, shadow figures, intense lucid dreams and astral projection, voices, intense feelings, smells, clairvoyant events….

I have always been open to this side of life, but have to admit the intensity and amount of all these events on a continual basis made me think I was schizophrenic. I mean here I was, a nurse with a fair amount of scientific knowledge and always trying to fuse science with metaphysics. Books that had the exact information I needed would literally fall right in front of me in the book store, my skin became extremely sensitive, I was also emotionally overwhelmed a lot in the beginning with the extreme emotions of gratitude. These emotions  would well up and cause me to cry. I even cried everyday for six months. WTF!! I couldn’t stop the tears. The ups and downs were crazy and extremely uncomfortable. And I cherish every single one of these moments. 

When we awaken, there is a lot of purging, conditioned beliefs from this lifetime and others, there is an acceptance of responsibility that comes with the knowledge that we are responsible for that which we attract. Not so easy to say, especially when personal shit has happened. But it was never personal to begin with. Every event in a life is a learning moment, even being the victim. But there was a power that took over, so empowering to say “Fuck you! I am a warrior! I refuse to be a victim! 

This power had to be built through release and restructure, and wording had to be carefully calculated. From the beginning I was hungry for knowledge. Knowledge has always been my power, my self-worth, so diving in to learn how I could be the most awesome warrior, a Goddess with a purpose, was a pull so strong that resistance was not an option. I mean, hey, if I really think back now to all the little synchronistic events in life (that I had no idea were synchronistic), there was always guidance and that resistance totally kicked my ass. I said, and still say, “Fuckin bring it on! I got this!”

  And so the journey of a lightworker, warrior goddess on a mission, embracing my soul so that I could help others heal opened the road to Embracing One Soul at a Time in 2013. Therapeutic massage in the comfort of your home, turned into my first beautiful sanctuary of an office. A much smaller piece of the bigger picture. My mission at this point was to become a doctor who used palpation, a lot, and the whole body, the emotions, the memories, to treat a patient. I attended school full time, sometimes full time and a half, at two different colleges until 2017, several CEUs and other classes taken as well. An addict for sure. Massage had opened my world in a slew of modalities that I finally believed I could attain. 

While I focused on providing for my girls, my career (which was 10-14 hours a day),  and my education, I was in a relationship that began in 2014. An awesome guy. It was the first decent relationship that I had been in in years. We parted ways in 2018, the same week that my 14 year old daughter’s favorite two people, and two of my favorite people, died in a homicide-suicide. There are no words to ever fully describe the feeling I had when I heard the news, I still choke on my tears as I remember the moment I heard the news, and the realization that I had to tell my girls. My heart was twisted and broken. I cried for two hours, walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out how I was going to tell my daughters.

Dealing with the girls’ grieving process, I suppressed my own, both the death of my loved ones and my relationship. I knew transformation was on its way. When snakes started showing up on a regular basis, in this dimension, in my dreams….and I don’t mean just the usual snakes, fucking huge ass pythons and their skins! My dreams had started again, I was near a point of unhappiness, never anything close to “B.V.H.” (before victimhood), but there was a somber period of contraction.

 I decided to become celibate, another shocker in itself, had no interest in forming any relationship with a partner,  started medical school while running my business, ended up gaining 35 pounds in the first year of school, on top of the 20 that I had gained  the year before, and misery was working its way back into my life as I piled more and more shit up on my plate, barely able to breathe in my own decisions, feeling like crap, no energy, and pushing myself into perimenopausal problems and serious burnout. My diet sucked, there was NO exercise, and the lab numbers…my vitamin D seriously depleted, my cholesterol creeping up, and my confidence, in the bottom of the bucket. How the hell was I supposed to help others heal when I was in the position I was?

And so the subtle familiar feeling of transformation that has been building up kicked into high gear in the beginning of March, and the reaction to COVID in this world, kicked it up even more. There were four extra hours a day that I was not driving and I could walk. I could enjoy the Sun. I worked on loving me everyday, which meant a whole lot of mirror work (so not comfortable),  mood shifting, and self-talk.

 It was the first week of walking the golf course early before class started that I ran into one of the workers on the golf course as I was taking a picture of some Muscovy Ducks, my love for these creatures quite personal. He started taking pictures of the sunset and we had some small talk before he said, “You know, I love Florida. I just don’t want to die here.” 

Profound. It brought me to tears with no warning. It was this moment that I knew I have the ability to hold space for others FEAR and the emotions that followed. It is what I do several times a day, one soul at a time, my hands holding my client’s shoulders, waiting for the permission to begin on a soul level even before my hands hold my client’s temples. It is here that I instruct my client’s to take a deep breath. It is here in this breath that my client expresses their world to me and I wait for the tight squeeze in my heart to let me begin and help my client release all that is no longer necessary, that no longer serves them, in their body, mind and soul.  This means knots, this means memories, this means just being in the power of now. Peace. Calm. Understanding and Compassion. 

This knowledge helped me, fueled me, felt extremely familiar to my mammoth transformation, and the knowledge of focusing on that which I desired. That which served me best overcame any Fear that has arisen as a result of COVID. Not to say that Fear has not been present in other ways through this transformation, my lessons in life digging deeper than ever before, the theme of this transformation an extension of my self-worth and the relationships important in my life, and most importantly the work needed to keep those relationships working happily.

It has been 9 years since the major mark of my last transformation. The Fool starts her journey again, the magnetic pull of creation as I stumble through this village of learning curves with courage, discipline, enthusiasm, persistence and a positive perception, even in the moments of frustration and self-sabotage. I find myself retraining the beliefs associated with failure and judgement,  and the need, the desire, the privilege of expressing my authentic self. This expression required some awesome advice from Marie Forleo, Simplify to Amplify.  I simply could not scatter my energy as it had been scattered the last few years and be happy. 

The stars are working their magic while I am enthusiastically tuning in and choosing to be aware, choosing to use the energy available in the best way possible. This new journey pulls me towards a schedule of following guidance instead of trying to plan each and every detail of life for the next three months. I am quite aware that I have no clue what each and everyday will bring, but I do have Faith and know that I will make it awesome, exhilarating, and intense, no matter what the moment holds…..and I am so fucking excited. 

On to crazy adventures and loving life…….

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